


Loner

by my_mad_fatuation



Series: Loner [1]
Category: My Mad Fat Diary
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, F/M, Opposites Attract
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-10
Updated: 2016-10-10
Packaged: 2018-08-20 01:56:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,675
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8232092
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/my_mad_fatuation/pseuds/my_mad_fatuation
Summary: Rae, the most popular girl at school, and Finn, the introverted loner, form an unlikely friendship.





	

It was a nice day, so Finn decided to sit at one of the tables outside during his free period. He found a spot in the sun and settled in, taking his book out of his bag and opening it to the page he had marked. He pulled his phone out of his pocket to reshuffle his playlist before replacing it and starting to read.

He didn’t have his music turned up very high in his earbuds, so he could hear the loud, shrill voice of Stacey as she and her friends approached a nearby table. He glanced up from his book to confirm that, yes, Rae, the actual leader of the pack, was with them. (Stacey liked to think she was the leader, but the girls would only ever do things with Rae’s approval.)

Rae looked over at Finn and briefly wondered what he was listening to, as Stacey prattled on about something or other.

“What do you think, Rae?”

“Hmm? What?” said Rae, who hadn’t been paying attention.

“This weekend, party at my house? Are you going to help or what?” Stacey replied.

“Oh, yeah, sure.”

“Great! So you’ll be in charge of the guest list, Chloe will be in charge of the refreshments, and I’ll be in charge of the music.” She looked at the other girls with them. “You three are in charge of making sure I look good enough that Jason will regret everything and come crawling back. Rae, does that sound okay with you?”

Rae was not paying attention, again, so Stacey repeated her name louder.

“What? I mean, yeah, that sounds fine. I haven’t got anything else planned this weekend,” Rae said, pulling her attention away from Finn at the next table yet again.

“Good,” said Stacey.

“Hey, um, why am I in charge of refreshments?” Chloe asked.

“Because you can use your sister’s ID.” Stacey rolled her eyes then returned her focus to Rae. “So, are you going to hook up with anyone at the party?”

“I guess that depends who’s invited,” Rae replied uncertainly.

“You’re in charge of the guest list, silly.”

“Oh, right. We’ll see, then.” She glanced at Finn for another moment but looked away quickly before he noticed her.

Finn wasn’t sure why Rae kept looking at him, but he pretended he wasn’t listening to their conversation, even though he’d stopped actually reading at least two minutes ago.

“Him? Really?” said Stacey.

“What are you talking about?” Rae asked.

“You cannot hook up with Finn Smellson!”

“Shut up, he’s sitting right there!”

“He’s got earbuds in, he can’t hear me,” Stacey replied with a shrug. “Anyway, he’s a major weirdo. Like, I know that the nineties look is coming back, but you need to have some amount of fashion sense to pull it off, which he does not. It’s no wonder he doesn’t have any friends.”

“Stacey…”

Finn tried to remain expressionless, but he couldn’t continue to sit there and listen to them mocking him. He put his book away without looking at them and stood up. As he walked away, he could hear their shocked laughter.

“I think he heard you,” Rae said to Stacey, who gave her a look like she didn’t care.

But Rae did care. It made her wonder why she was even friends with some of these people. But Stacey was the most popular girl in her year, and Rae was the most popular girl in her year—or maybe even the whole school, because everyone liked her more than Stacey—so it made sense for them to hang out together, she supposed. Stacey insisted on it, anyway.

Rae was the only person whom Stacey did not treat as her lackey, for which she was grateful. Probably because she realized Rae would never do her bidding for her. Sure, she’d help her with the party guest list, mostly because she was friendly with more people than Stacey was and without her the party would be a flop. But she wouldn’t go pick up her dress from the cleaners or anything, like some of her minions would.

Finn headed inside to the library to keep reading in peace. He didn’t get those girls, sometimes. Mostly he didn’t get how they were so popular. Well, Stacey was popular in the sense that she was rich and people were afraid of her, but all secretly hated her because she was horrible, but Rae… People actually liked Rae.

 _They’re all the same, though_ , he thought. Why did girls always need to put other people down to feel good about themselves?

Stacey continued to talk about her party, but Rae excused herself to go to the washroom since she’d had enough of her going on and on about it. On her way to the doors, she walked past the window of the library where she spotted Finn sitting inside and reading. She felt bad that her friends had chased him away with their insults, so she headed inside.

She wasn’t sure what she was doing there. Was she going to talk to him? She didn’t think she’d ever talked to him in her life. It would be weird for her to just go up and start chatting, right? Possibly, but she found herself standing in front of him anyway.

“Finn?”

He had turned his music up so he couldn’t hear her, and it wasn’t until he felt her sit down beside him that he noticed her presence. Startled, he removed his earbuds and looked at her.

“You’re Finn, right?” she said.

He nodded, looking terribly confused.

“Hi, I’m Rae.” She extended her hand so he could shake it, which he didn’t.

“I know who you are.”

“Oh, well, I didn’t think we’d been properly introduced, so—”

“What are you doing here?”

She was surprised by his brusque tone. “I just, I wanted to apologize.”

“Apologize for what?”

“For what my friends were saying. I know you must have heard them, and that’s why you came inside.”

“It was too bright out for reading, that’s all,” he said. “I didn’t hear anything.”

“Oh, okay then. But I’m sorry for what was said anyway. Stacey can be a bit insensitive sometimes.”

“Why are you even friends with her?” he blurted out before he could stop himself.

Rae gave him half a smile but didn’t answer. “You should come to this party I’m having this weekend,” she said.

“I thought it was Stacey’s party.”

“I thought you said you couldn’t hear us.”

“…Touché.”

“Anyway, I’m in charge of the guest list, and I’d like it if you came.”

He thought for a moment. “Why?”

“Excuse me?”

“Why would you like it if I came?”

“Because… I dunno, because you seem cool.”

“Is this a prank?”

“What? No.”

“Is this some sort of joke where you give me the wrong address and I show up at some random person’s house and humiliate myself?”

“I wouldn’t, I swear!”

“Still, not interested.”

“Look, you can bring any friends you want—it’ll be fun.”

“I don’t have any friends, remember?”

“What about Archie? I’ve seen you hang around with him.”

“We just live in the same neighbourhood.”

“Well, then, going to a party is a great way to make new friends!”

“With who? A bunch of drunken idiots?”

Rae couldn’t believe that he’d just basically called her an idiot, though she couldn’t exactly blame him after the way he’d been treated.

“Sorry,” he said after a moment. “I didn’t mean you, I just… A party isn’t really my thing.”

“What is your thing, then?”

“Books, music… Solitary activities.”

“Music doesn’t have to be a solitary activity. That’s one of the fun things about parties; the music.”

“Yeah, but Stacey’s in charge of that.”

“I’m sure I could persuade her to take some suggestions, if you had any.”

She was persistent, he’d give her that.

“What are you listening to right now?” she asked.

“Elastica.”

She shook her head like she didn’t know what that was, so he wiped off one of the earbuds with his sleeve and handed it to her. She put it in her ear as he put in the other while Elastica’s “Car Song” was playing.

“Hmm, I like this,” she said.

He couldn’t help but smile; she was sort of cute, bopping her head along to the music.

She smiled back; he was sort of cute when he wasn’t moping. (Though, he was sort of cute when he was moping, too, honestly.)

“We could definitely play this at the party,” she said when the song ended. “Please say you’ll reconsider the invitation.”

“I don’t—” He sighed. “Maybe.”

She grinned and gave him the party details as well as her number in case he had any questions. He never in a million years expected to have Rae’s number, and yet here she was, giving it to him.

Well, he still wasn’t going to the party. Probably.

She smiled at him again as she left.

_Probably._

***

What the hell was Finn supposed to wear to a party? He’d never been to a party before, except birthday parties as a child, and those were not the same. He tried to pick out his least nineties looking clothes so as not to give Stacey more ammo, which was difficult because most of his clothes were actually his dad’s old clothes from the nineties. It wasn’t like he could afford to go out and buy new stuff anyway.

He still found it hard to believe that Rae actually convinced Archie to convince him to go to this stupid party. Archie was even going to drive him there to make sure he went.

It had been difficult for Rae to convince Archie to help her out, though, only because he thought Finn really wouldn’t enjoy Stacey’s party. He seemed to like Finn, but recognized that he was a bit of a loner and wasn’t into large social gatherings. But in the end they both agreed it would be good to get Finn out of his comfort zone for a bit.

Finn opted for a plain white t-shirt and his darkest wash of jeans, hoping that no one would find anything objectionable about his attire. Granted, it wasn’t cool or trendy, but maybe he wouldn’t look like a complete weirdo for once?

Rae got to Stacey’s house early to help her get ready and set up for the party.

“Oh my god, I look like a fat cow,” Stacey said as she stood in front of her full-length mirror in her dress.

Rae rolled her eyes but didn’t say anything.

“You look lovely,” said Chloe reassuringly.

Stacey appeared to ignore her and gestured to all the girls to come closer to her. “Now, ladies, remember the party rules. No one is to come upstairs without being accompanied by Rae or myself. That includes the rest of you.”

Rae stifled a derisive laugh. She knew the only reason Stacey was giving her that much power and authority was because she was afraid Rae would stop hanging out with her if she didn’t, and she needed Rae’s pull with people.

As guests started showing up, Rae was pleased in knowing that at least half of them wouldn’t have come if it weren’t for her and her pull.

One such guest was Finn, who arrived with Archie about an hour later, but it was still fairly quiet. They came in without knocking and wandered through the entryway to the kitchen to get drinks.

Finn looked around as they walked, not entirely sure what he was looking for, just taking in the immensity of the house. He saw people he vaguely recognized from school, but none he knew well enough to talk to, except Archie, and possibly Rae.

She was in the kitchen when he got there, pouring herself a drink at the island, which was filled with bottles of alcohol of varying types. His first reaction was to hide before she saw him, but instead he followed Archie to get a plastic cup and tried to ignore her.

She, however, was not trying to ignore him, so when she saw him she exclaimed, “Finn!” loud enough for several people to turn and look at him.

“I didn’t think you’d make it,” she said to him in a quieter voice, walking towards him with her drink in hand.

“Archie said you forced him to force me to come, so…” he replied, not meaning to sound so bitter.

“I know, but you still have free will, don’t ya?”

“I suppose.”

“Well, help yourself to something to drink and find me when you’re ready to dance; we’ll play some Elastica!”

“I don’t—”

She was already walking away.

“—dance,” he said to no one in particular.

“Here, what’ll ya have?” said Archie, handing him a cup.

“Um, cola, I guess.”

“With what?”

“Nothing.”

“Nothing?” He looked at Finn incredulously.

“I don’t drink,” said Finn, pouring cola into his cup.

“Oh. Wow. Well, that’s probably a good thing.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah, ‘cause it seems like you have a pretty good chance of hooking up with Rae tonight, and you wouldn’t want a floppy disk, so to speak.”

Finn coughed and nearly choked on his beverage. “What?”

“Why’d you think she’s been trying so hard to get you to this party?”

He shook his head like he wasn’t ready to hear this.

“Look,” Archie said, putting a hand on Finn’s shoulder. “If you play your cards right, you could totally change your social standing.”

“I don’t need to change my social standing.”

“Fine, then at least you’ll get laid.”

Finn reached for the closest bottle of anything and started pouring it into his cup. He took three big gulps to empty it before filling it up again.

***

Rae sipped at her drink while nodding her head politely as she listened to some girl yammer on about her recent breakup. Normally she would be more attentive when someone was sharing a problem with her, but she was a little distracted.

Finn had had enough of being Archie’s shadow for the evening, standing awkwardly next to him while he talked to people, and just needed a break from this highly social—though not very friendly—environment.

Rae had let her eyes wander when she noticed Finn heading upstairs.

“Excuse me,” she said to the girl. “I have to go do something, but I’ll be right back.”

Finn opened the first unlocked door he could find, which appeared to be a guest bedroom, as there was bedroom furniture but no personal belongings. He closed the door behind him and sat down on the bed, resting his head in his hands.

He looked up when the door opened a moment later, and Rae walked in.

“You know you’re not supposed to be up here,” she sad as she sat next to him.

“Oh, sorry,” he said, standing up to leave.

She held onto his arm and pulled him back to his seat. “You didn’t let me finish. You’re not supposed to be up here without an approved chaperone, like myself. So here I am.”

“It was just getting to be too much down there,” he explained.

“Yeah, I get it.”

“You do?”

“All the noise and the people nonstop; it’s not easy.”

He nodded in agreement.

She smiled and put her hand on his back reassuringly, but he flinched. “Sorry—” she began, lifting her arm away.

“I don’t need you to change my social standing, alright?” he said, louder than he had intended.

“What?”

“I’m fine with myself the way I am—it’s everyone else who needs to change!”

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to upset you.”

He looked at her and realized she was confused, and his anger softened. “It’s just… It’s hard to constantly have people taking the piss, you know? But if I were to change myself just to suit other people’s needs, then I would be even more of a joke, right?”

“I wasn’t trying to take the piss, Finn. I just want us to be friends.”

“Why?”

“Why what?”

“Why do you want us to be friends? You don’t even know me.”

“I know you read good books. I know you listen to good music.” She rested her hand gently on his knee. “And I want to get to know you better.”

He looked down at her hand for a moment. “Are you trying to hook up with me?”

“What? No!” She moved her hand away quickly. “I was just trying to be nice.”

“I don’t need you to be nice to me. I don’t need your pity.”

“I don’t pity you. I just feel like I could maybe relate to you.”

He scoffed. “How could you possibly relate?”

“Look at me,” she said, pointing to herself. “I may be a super confident fat babe now, but it was not easy growing up in this body, okay? Primary school was hell for me.”

He frowned and glanced at her momentarily.

“I was bullied and teased and picked on for my size. And my mum couldn’t afford to buy me brand new clothes so nothing actually fit; they were always too tight or too baggy, both of which apparently made me a target.”

“Sorry, I didn’t know.”

“Yeah, well, maybe you don’t know me as well as you think you do.”

He looked away again; he was a little embarrassed that he had been so judgmental of her. “How did you become so well-liked, then?”

“Because I’m awesome, obviously.”

“And humble.”

“Hey, it’s not arrogant to have self-esteem, okay?”

“Okay, you’re right. Sorry.”

“Honestly, I just learned to like myself no matter what other people were saying.”

“Are you saying I just don’t like myself enough?”

“I’m not saying anything about you.”

“I like myself just fine!”

“I’m sure you do, I wasn’t saying—”

“It’s other people that have the problem with me! I’m just trying to mind my own business, but people like you and Stacey just have to—”

“Me? What have I ever done to you?”

“The two of you are always making fun of me behind my back,” he said, as he grew more agitated. “I wouldn’t be surprised if you only invited me here on a dare or something.”

“Look, I know Stacey can be a bit mean sometimes, but I never—”

“You never stop her, do you?”

She was about to defend herself, but stopped. “You’re right,” she said. “I guess I just don’t think to do anything about it because she says mean things about everyone all the time, even her own supposed friends. I mean, I know she talks behind my back, but it doesn’t bother me so I forget that it bothers other people.”

“I still don’t get why you’re friends with her.”

“I dunno. I consider myself friends with pretty much everyone at school. She just hangs around me more than others.”

“You’re not friends with me.”

“But I’m trying to be.”

“Yeah, well I don’t need friends, thanks.”

“That’s not going to stop me from trying.”

She flashed him a smile and he tried not to smile back; she had this obnoxiously charming way about her that he found annoying yet difficult to resist.

“Come back down and we’ll play your song, okay?” she added as she stood up, holding onto his arm.

“No, it’s fine, really,” he said, though she wouldn’t let go.

“I want you to have at least one positive experience tonight, even if it’s just hearing a song you enjoy.” She smiled again. “I won’t make you dance, I promise.”

He realized she was not likely to give up, so he stood grudgingly.

She led him out of the room, but stopped suddenly as Stacey was coming up the stairs. She let go of his arm immediately, but it was too late.

“There you are!” Stacey said, a look of surprise on her face. “I heard you’d gone missing.”

“Well, I’m here,” Rae replied.

Stacey glanced at Finn briefly. “I need to talk to you,” she said to Rae. “Privately.”

Rae looked at Finn, who was standing awkwardly behind her. “I’ll meet you downstairs in a minute, yeah?”

He nodded slightly but didn’t say anything as he walked past Stacey and down the stairs.

He wasn’t even out of earshot when Stacey said, “Oh my god, did you have sex with _him_ in my guest room?”

“Of course I didn’t!” said Rae.

“I mean, I know I said you were free to use the room, but for him?”

“I said I didn’t!”

“Then what were you doing in there?”

“We were just talking, that’s it.”

“Do you like him or something?”

“I dunno. He seems cool, I guess.”

“Oh my god, do you _fancy_ him?” Stacey seemed outraged at the thought.

“What? It’s not… I mean I don’t… I don’t know, alright?”

She looked to make sure no one was around and then ushered Rae into her bedroom. “Look, I’m telling you this as your friend; don’t date him. It will never work with some weird loser guy. Let’s all remember Liam.”

“Finn is totally different—besides, he’s not even interested, so it’s irrelevant.”

“So you’re not going to date him?”

“Did you come up here for a reason, or…?” said Rae, evading the question.

“Jason’s been here for over an hour and he still hasn’t asked me to take him back yet,” Stacey complained. “What is that about?”

“Stace, you’re better off without him, you know that.”

“Of course I know that, but I want him to at least _want_ to be with me.”

“Alright, well, I can’t help you with that. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’d like to head back down.”

Rae went downstairs and moved Elastica’s “Car Song” to the next spot on the playlist. She hoped to catch Finn again and try to get him to have some fun, but a friend of hers stopped her on her way to look for him.

Finn was searching for Archie, but when he heard the song come on he turned around to look for Rae, since she must have put it on for him. He could hardly believe she actually did it. Maybe she wasn’t so terrible.

He rounded a corner just in time to see her hug some guy he didn’t know, and he started to feel a knot form in his stomach. He wasn’t sure why it bothered him so much to see her like that—perhaps it was because he knew he could never be that sort of friend with anyone. Someone who hugs. Someone who is easy to get along with.

He made quick work of locating Archie so he could leave.

She spotted him just as he was heading out the door, but it was too late by the time she got there; he was gone.

***

Lucky for Rae, Finn was a pretty predictable guy. She knew exactly where to find him Monday at lunch—the library.

“You left early,” she said as she took a seat across from him.

He looked up from his book and pulled out one earbud. “What?”

“You left the party early,” she repeated. “During Elastica, even.”

“Yeah…” he said, looking back down. “I wasn’t feeling well.”

“Archie said you’d had a lot to drink.”

“Not that much,” he mumbled.

“I’m sorry if you didn’t like the party,” she continued. “But I appreciate you coming out and giving it a shot. I won’t invite you to any more, all right?”

“All right.”

“But I still think we should hang out more. What are you doing after school today?”

“Uh, reading at home, I guess.” He wasn’t sure where she was going with this, but he was sure he wouldn’t like it.

“Why don’t you come to my house and read there?” she suggested. “We can just sit and play Elastica and read independently, yeah?”

“You want to read with me?”

“Sure, if that’s what you like to do.”

 _I like to do that alone,_ he thought.

She could tell he was not convinced. “We don’t have to talk at all,” she added, hoping that might persuade him. “We don’t even have to make eye contact, because I wouldn’t want you to break your streak or anything.”

He half-smiled reluctantly as he stared at the book in his hands. “So we’d just sit there and ignore each other?”

“If you like.”

That actually sounded like the perfect amount of social interaction for him; practically none at all. “I guess…”

“Great,” she said as she stood up. “Meet me out front at the end of the day, yeah?”

“Sure…”

***

Finn looked up from his book for the twentieth time in half as many minutes. Rae still hadn’t shown up. She had said to meet her out front, right? Maybe she already left without him. It was stupid of him to wait for her. She obviously didn’t intend on actually hanging out with him; it was just a joke, and he was an idiot to fall for it.

“Finn!”

He turned to see Rae heading towards him just as he was about to pack up his book and leave.

“Sorry I’m late,” she said when she caught up to him. “I got stuck talking to Stacey about Jason. Ugh.” She made a flapping mouth motion with her hand.

“It’s no big deal,” Finn said quietly. “I was just going to go home, so—”

“No, you’re coming with me.” She tugged on the sleeve of his plaid shirt as he stood up.

Rae wasn’t sure what she was doing as she led Finn back to her house. Inviting him over to read silently? Who does that? He probably thought she was being a total weirdo, and was just humouring her to be nice.

He didn’t know why he had agreed to go with her, either. It was clear she’d rather do something fun, like… He couldn’t even think of what sort of thing a normal person might do for fun. She was clearly just humouring him to be nice.

They got to her house and she offered to get him something to eat or drink.

“I’m fine,” he said, just wanting to get this over with so he could go home. He figured if he put in half an hour that was enough that he could tell his dad he had hung out with a friend after school without being too much of a stretch.

“Come on.”

“Aren’t we just going to stay down here?” he asked when she started heading upstairs.

“I have speakers in my room,” she explained.

If anyone had told Finn a week ago that he’d end up in Rae’s bedroom, he would have called them an idiot. And then asked why they were talking to him. Yet here he was, sitting in her beanbag chair. (And Stacey thought he had the obsession with the nineties…)

He had plugged his phone into Rae’s speakers to play some Elastica while they read. He pulled out his book from his bag as she picked up an e-reader off her desk. He was admittedly a little jealous—he would love to have an e-reader, because then people wouldn’t be able to tell he was reading _The Lord of the Rings_ for the fifth time.

Finn started reading, and before he knew it, he looked at the clock on the wall and an hour had passed. He wondered briefly if he could leave now, but then he heard Rae sniffle from where she was sitting on the bed. _Is she crying?_

“Are… Are you okay?” he asked tentatively.

She laughed in a way that sounded almost like a sob. “Heh, yeah, sorry. I’m at the end where she reads the eulogy he wrote for her, and it always gets me.”

“What are you talking about?”

“Oh, I’m reading _The Fault in Our Stars_. I keep thinking this time I’ll be able to handle it, but then I get to the end and I’m a wreck.” She laughed again.

“You re-read the same books over and over?”

“Yeah… Is that weird?”

He looked back down at his book. “I guess not.”

“Are you staying for tea?” Rae asked when she saw the time.

“No, I should get home.” Finn got up and unplugged his phone.

“Same time next week?”

“What?”

“Come over to read,” she said. “It’ll be like a book club.”

“I think book clubs are for discussing books.”

“Fine, a reading club, then.”

“I don’t know—”

“I don’t read nearly as much as I wish I did; at least this way I’ll have an excuse to read for an hour every week, right? Something not for school, anyway.”

“…I guess.” He glanced at her and accidentally made eye contact.

She smiled at him and he looked away quickly. “I’ll see you then,” she said, and then added, “I’ll probably see you before then since we go to the same school, but you know.”

“Yeah… See you.”

***

_Here we go again,_  
_I’m riding in your car,_  
_Let me count to ten,  
_ _‘Cause it’s gone way too far…_

“Okay, I’ll read Neil Gaiman if you read Rainbow Rowell,” Rae said, nudging Finn’s shoulder with her foot.

Finn scrunched up his face in distaste. “I don’t read girl books,” he said.

“Well, that’s pretty sexist of you.”

The two of them had been meeting once a week to read for over a month now, occasionally twice a week. He’d started recommending books for her, so she thought she would return the favour.

“Besides,” Rae continued, “ _Attachments_ is about a guy. He actually reminds me of you; the handsome loner guy.”

“I’m not lonely,” Finn replied, choosing to ignore the handsome part because he couldn’t process that yet.

“I didn’t say ‘lonely,’ I said ‘loner.’ I mean, he still has friends, but he’s not super social, and he seems okay with that.”

“I’m okay with not being social.”

“I know.”

“It’s not like there’s something wrong with me,” he added defensively.

“I know.”

“…Rae?”

“Yeah?”

“Do you think there’s something wrong with me?”

“Of course not.”

“I don’t have any friends, though.”

“Sure you do. You’ve got Archie, and you’ve got me.”

“Yeah, but you’re friends with everyone.”

“So?”

“So it doesn’t mean anything.”

Rae was taken aback by his statement and couldn’t respond right away. “Well, great, I’m glad my friendship doesn’t mean anything to you,” she finally said as she sat up and hugged her knees into her chest.

“I didn’t mean it like that,” said Finn, pressing his thumb between his eyebrows and frowning. “It’s just, it’s not that hard to be your friend. It’s not like I did anything to earn it.”

“You don’t need to earn it, you just have it.”

“Don’t you get tired?” He looked up at her and didn’t look away when their eyes met.

“Tired of what?”

“Of being everyone’s friend, even when they didn’t earn it. Maybe they don’t even deserve it. Doesn’t that take a lot out of you?”

“It’s not like it costs me anything to be friendly with people.”

“Then you’re lucky. I don’t have the energy to be friendly with anyone.”

Rae tried to understand, but found it difficult. Socializing with people was how she re-energized herself, but it seemed to be the opposite for Finn. “I’m sorry, then,” she said seriously.

“Sorry for what?”

“For trying to make you be friends with me. I didn’t realize I was draining you.”

“This isn’t so bad,” he said. “Just sitting here, reading. It’s other stuff I have trouble with. Talking.”

“We’re talking right now.”

“Yeah, but this is easier. It’s hard for me to talk to new people.”

“You managed to talk to me when I was a new person to you. So you can handle it.”

“I guess…”

She rested her chin on her forearms. “Do you ever worry about being alone forever?”

“What?”

“I worry about that a lot.”

“Oh. I guess I just assume I will be.”

“And that doesn’t make you sad?”

He shrugged.

“I worry that I have a ton of friends but I’m not actually close with anybody,” she added.

“I think closeness is overrated,” he said. “It’s this made up idea that we’ll each find someone who complements us perfectly and gets us completely, and that just doesn’t sound real to me.”

“Big surprise, you’re a cynic,” she teased. “Besides, being close with someone isn’t about being perfect for each other, it’s about being able to share absolutely anything.”

“That sounds horrible.”

Rae laughed a little. “I’ll bet you’d change your tune if you met the right person.”

“But how am I going to meet someone like me? They’d never talk to me and I’d never talk to them.”

“Maybe you don’t need someone like you; maybe you need someone different from you so you can bring out the best in each other.”

“What kind of greeting card rubbish is that?”

She laughed again and he smiled a bit. “You’re lucky,” she said after a minute.

“Why is that?”

“You don’t get lonely when you’re alone.”

“…I guess I do, sometimes,” he admitted, looking down.

“I thought you liked being alone, though.”

“Yeah, but it would be nice to be able to hang out with someone as easily as if I were alone.”

“You will someday,” she told him reassuringly. “You’ve just got to get through the difficult new part first.”

***

_Up my street to nowhere,_  
_You know what detours are,_  
_Here we go again,  
_ _And it's gone way too far…_

Two months into Rae and Finn’s little “reading club,” they were hanging out two to three times a week, and sometimes they would even forget to read at all.

“Okay, my most embarrassing moment,” Rae began, lying across her bed and staring up at the ceiling, “was probably in primary school when I had a flu, but my mum thought I was just faking to get out of being in the school play, and I threw up right on stage in front of everyone.” She chuckled. “How ‘bout you?”

“I dunno,” Finn said, sitting on the floor next to her legs and leaning against the side of the bed. “I feel like my whole life has just been a series of embarrassing moments, one after the other.”

“It can’t be that bad. I mean, you’re not embarrassed right now, are you?”

“Maybe a little.”

“What? Why?”

 _Because if I turned my head I could see right up your skirt,_ he thought. (Sure, she was wearing leggings, but he still felt self-conscious about being so close to her… private area.)

“I’m just always a bit embarrassed, I guess,” he said.

“Finn, you need to gain some confidence in yourself.” She sat up and looked down at him. “For instance, did you know that I’ve never seen you do anything embarrassing in all this time we’ve been hanging out together, except maybe last week when you were drinking water and I made you laugh and it came out your nose, but that was more funny than anything else, really.”

“Thanks for reminding me.”

“Ninety-nine-point-nine percent of the time you’ve got nothing to be embarrassed about.”

“My mere existence is embarrassment enough.”

“I’m sorry, but you’re not that special.”

He looked up at her and she smiled at him. He shook his head but smiled reluctantly as well.

“Speaking of embarrassing, my birthday is coming up in a couple of weeks,” she added.

“How is that embarrassing?”

“Stacey is going to throw me a big stupid party. And I know I said I wouldn’t make you go to any more parties, but I’d like to invite you anyway because… Uh… You’re sort of my closest friend.”

“What? That’s impossible.”

“Why is that impossible?”

“You have about twelve bazillion friends, all of whom are more socially adept than I am.”

“Yeah, but I don’t talk to them about stuff.”

“Why do you talk to me about stuff, then?” he asked skeptically.

“Because you’re easy to talk to, at least when you’re not angry-drunk.” She nudged his shoulder with her knee.

“Heh.” He looked down at his crossed legs and added, “I guess you’re my closest friend, too.”

She ruffled his hair. “Obviously!”

“Watch it!” He swatted her hand away from his head and ended up holding it for a second, but let go quickly as soon as he realized what he was doing.

As soon as he let go of her hand, she held onto it with her other and hugged it into her chest, like she was protecting it from something dangerous. It was oddly thrilling to touch his hand, and it scared her.

“I should go,” he said after neither of them spoke for a minute.

“Yeah,” she said as he stood up. “See you later.”

***

“I can’t believe you invited that weirdo to another one of my parties,” Stacey said to Rae as they stood in the kitchen while party guests mingled around them.

“What weirdo?” Rae asked.

“Him.” Stacey pointed towards the entryway where Finn and Archie were just coming in.

“His name is Finn, and he’s my friend, okay?” Rae said, pushing Stacey’s arm down.

“I don’t get you, Rae. You could hang out with literally anyone at college, and you choose him?”

“What, he’s cool.”

“You have a thing for him, don’t you?”

Rae didn’t say anything.

“Look, I get that he’s not terrible on the eyes, in certain light, but he’s such a loser—”

“Shut up, he’s coming this way!”

“Hiya, Rae!” said Archie, coming in to give Rae a hug. “Stacey,” he added to Stacey with a nod.

“Gay boy,” she replied.

“Charming.”

“Finn, you came,” Rae said to Finn, who was standing slightly behind Archie so that she had to look around him.

“I said I would after you begged me for the thousandth time,” said Finn.

Stacey gave Rae a look of distaste. “If you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go talk to some people who are actually worth my time,” she said before walking away.

Rae rolled her eyes behind Stacey’s back, which made Finn smile slightly.

This party was not as bad as the first one he had gone to because Rae actually stayed and talked with him, and even introduced him to some of her other friends, who weren’t as terrible as Stacey.

“Hold on,” she said to him after about an hour and a half. “I’ve just got to run to the toilet.” She was a vaguely tipsy so she didn’t bother coming up with a euphemism.

As soon as she left, Finn felt small and vulnerable, all alone in this big group of people he didn’t really know.

“How’re you doing there, Finn?”

He turned to see Stacey standing to his left, startling him. “Where’d you come from?”

She just smiled phonily. “Can I get you another drink or anything?”

“I’m fine.”

“So… What’s the deal with you and Rae?” she asked, folding her arms.

“What do you mean?”

“You’re just friends, right?”

“Of course.”

She took a step closer to him and he leaned away from her. “I’m sorry for the way I just took off earlier; that was rude of me.”

“I really don’t care.”

“I mean, if Rae likes you, then maybe you’re not so bad after all.”

“Gee, thanks.”

She traced a finger along his upper arm. “You know, I sort of like this brooding thing you’ve got going on,” she said. “It’s kind of sexy.”

He took another step back and hit the wall.

“And this outfit,”—she tugged on the sleeve of his shirt—“very nineties retro chic. I like it.”

He readjusted his shirt self-consciously. “I thought you said I didn’t have the fashion sense to pull it off.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“I know what kind of stuff you say about me; I’ve heard it myself, even. So I don’t know what you’re trying to pull here—”

“I’m not trying to pull anything. I’m just being friendly now that you’re friends with my bestie.”

Finn tried not to laugh at the idea that Rae and Stacey were “besties.”

“Besides, now that I’ve got a good look at ya, I can see that you’re actually kinda cute,” she added. “Rae’s an idiot for not wanting to date you.”

He felt something twist in his gut. “Did… Did she say that?”

Stacey nodded sympathetically. “I bet you’d make a great boyfriend, too, because you seem sensitive.”

He wasn’t sure if that was supposed to be an insult or not.

“You know, I could make you the most popular guy at college,” she continued.

“Not interested,” he said.

“Aren’t you tired of being the weird loner? With my help, you could get any girl you wanted.”

“How, exactly?” he asked suspiciously.

“If you date me for a little while, and I tell all my girlfriends how great you are in bed, then you’ll have a lineup waiting for you once we break up.”

“I’m not going to sleep with you.”

She grimaced. “Ugh, no. I would just make something up.”

“And why would you do that for me? What do you get out of it?”

“Consider it philanthropy.” She smiled again, which was unsettling to him.

“What’re you two talking about?” Rae asked when she approached the pair of them, confused.

“Just getting to know your new friend better,” Stacey said, taking a step back from him. “Though, I think it’s my turn for the ladies’ room, if you don’t mind.”

Rae watched her as she walked away before turning to Finn. “What was that all about?”

“She was just making a proposition,” he said uncomfortably.

“What sort of proposition?”

“She, uh, she offered to pretend to be my girlfriend so that other girls would want to be with me, I think.”

“What? That’s idiotic!”

“I know.”

“You weren’t considering it, were you?”

“No, but that shouldn’t matter to you.”

“Why shouldn’t it matter to me?”

“Who I do or do not date is none of your business,” he said without making eye contact. “We’re just friends, after all.”

“Well, as your friend can I just say that pretending to date Stacey is one of the stupidest ideas I’ve ever heard! She’d literally be using you.”

“How would she be using me? I have nothing to offer.”

“Maybe she wants to make her ex-boyfriend jealous. Maybe she just wants some new arm candy. Or maybe she knows that I like you and she’s just trying to sink her claws into you first!” Rae was practically yelling. “Oh, whatever. Do what you want.”

She walked away and headed straight out the front door and down the street towards her house, several blocks away. She didn’t mean to get so upset, but the thought of him with Stacey just made her blood boil. She felt itchy all over, beneath her skin where she couldn’t scratch.

She was used to Stacey wanting everything that she had, even boys, but she never actually liked anyone or anything enough to care. Until now. But she didn’t own Finn. He didn’t belong to her, and he’d made it very clear they were _just friends_. So she had no right to get as upset as she did and storm out like that.

She couldn’t go back now, though. Not after she’d made a fool of herself. _“Maybe she knows that I like you…”_ This might have replaced stage barfing as her most embarrassing moment.

Meanwhile Finn was left utterly confused, as Rae had fled before he could even process what she’d said. Did she just say that she liked him? The way she said it and then ran away made him think that she didn’t just mean as a friend.

Without taking the time to think about what he was doing, he ran after her. She was already a couple blocks away by the time he caught up to her.

“Rae,” he said, stopping behind her to catch his breath. “Wait.”

She turned to look at him and frowned. “What are you doing?”

“You can’t… just say that… and leave.”

“I can do whatever I want, so watch me.” She was about to start walking again, but he grabbed her hand to stop her.

“Wait, please.”

She looked down at their linked hands and felt warmth spread through her body. “Finn…”

He pulled her closer and wrapped her in a hug. He had no idea what he was doing; it just seemed like the only thing he could think to do in that moment.

She was surprised and stiff at first, but then she relaxed into it and let her head rest on his shoulder, squeezing him tighter.

He hadn’t realized just how much he’d wanted to hug her for so long until it was finally happening—he couldn’t remember the last time he’d hugged anyone—and it was even better than he could have imagined.

He finally understood what it meant to feel close to someone.

***

_Here we go again,  
_ _And it’s gone way too far…_

“Does Lincoln actually end up with Beth?” Finn asked Rae as he sat in her beanbag chair. “Because I don’t see how they can make it work when he’s been snooping on her emails.”

“I’m not telling,” she said, pressing her tongue against her teeth.

“Damn you.”

She smiled and rose from her seat on the bed to go and kneel next to him on the floor. She wrapped her arms around his shoulders and squeezed.

“What’s up?” he asked.

“Nothing. I just wanted to hug you.” She kissed the side of his face and he turned red, which made her laugh a bit. “I hope you realize that one of these days I’m going to kiss you on the mouth and it will rock your freakin’ world.”

“I’ve been warned.”

She got up and returned to her seat on the bed.

“Rae?” he added, looking up from her e-reader that he was borrowing. “I really like you.”

“I really like you, too, Finn.”

He smiled. “Now, shut up, I’m trying to read.”


End file.
